the last chapter

Sitting and facing a rainy Toronto day, surrounded by coffee-lovers and teenagers on lunch break, I sit and think about my future.

This is a day where I get to shed my past, and sit in what my future could look like. I am re-writing my goals today.

If I think about being present, that is to say in the here and NOW, I am connected with how I feel about the world. I have worked recently on being self-expressed as a person; speaking up instead of holding in, which has led to speaking a lot about my feelings. Even more recently, I am learning that although it’s necessary to express how you feel, it’s even more important to express what you WANT.

It’s a bit of a trap, though isn’t it? This want. What comes to mind is that kid in the toystore. You know the one. Where the mom is mortified and furious at the screams and flailing limbs of her kid? Yeah, that one.

“But I WAAAANT IT!”

Perhaps it’s this impression that has kept me from asking for what I want all of these years. So desperate to impress my parents at a young age, I did the opposite of the tantrum kid. It’s like even then I wanted to abolish any ‘selfish only child’ tendencies. I would actually stand in front of the doll I wanted, not saying anything. Look at the doll, look at my mom, back at the doll, and so forth until she got the message. Like a wordless puppy at a pet store.

And now I’m plagued by holding back in relationships. Desperate to avoid disappointment, I hold back from saying how I feel in order to avoid getting hurt.

So here I am, blank page up, ready to write the most specific and lofty vision of my life. And it seems fitting that I feel the need to complete this chapter in order to move on. I am happy to say that this will be my last post in “it all starts with a vision”.

This blog has been the source of so much therapy for me. So much expression of what I went through this year. Movement, change, growing up. I am certainly not the same person I was when I sat down to write in January 2011. But like me, my goals have changed. I have a new intention to live into. And with that comes my new writing project, ‘modern phrenology’.

You may still follow me, friends. But do so into a new world; where I learn that a bigger life leads to bigger problems to work through.

We are all just practicing at life. I am just ready for a bigger court. 

Day Three

I have a problem with starting new projects. Like the stack of books on my side table, I never finish them. And my issue is in seeing that my blips in consistency are just blips- not the start of a new pattern that abandons the project I was just working on.

This weekend was a bit of a Toronto Stampede, if you will. 5 days, no sleep, beers and cheers nightly, and my nutrition and self-care tapered off big time toward the end. I closed this social binge off with an emotional breakdown, oversleeping my alarm, and missing a meeting. Not anything I am proud of.

My whole movement of training my brain and developing responsibility went out the window with each day that my social binge went on. What I notice is I was able to keep up balance for two days. But on day three, all self-respect went out the window. I stopped doing things for myself, said yes to everything, didn’t listen to my body, and developed an “I don’t care” or “not today” mentality.

Looking back, this ‘Day Three’ is almost inevitable in anything I do. Two days of exceptions notoriously lead to the next day abandoning any actions of self-worth I had before. This leads me to drop whatever ‘project’ I was working on before Day Three.

What’s even more interesting is now that I have distinguished this pattern, it doesn’t seem to control me anymore. I have more confidence to pick up the right tools all over again and starting fresh. Succumbing to feelings of failure and abandoning all determination are no longer what cripples me. The way I see it now, I had a couple of bad Day Threes, and that’s it.

I guess this is what it feels like to grow up.

Feel the music. Go with the flow.

So I sit here after a 5-day binge of everything I am passionate about. Rain falls down my bedroom window and my hair looks dishevelled. 5 days of music, people, passion. And I’m exhausted.

Last month was about building my sense of responsibility and self-respect. What I achieved was a new perspective of myself I never thought possible. 4 days of binging later and it would be easy to fall back into the same pattern of despising my habits all over again. But strangely this time it feels different.

It’s time to throw it all away. Like the childhood wardrobe that no longer fits, I must discard the habits I used to define myself for so long in favour of new ones I have picked up.

When I woke up this morning, the pants I bought last fall no longer fit the same. I am different; and it is so clear in how I feel and act. But there is one thing that I must drop still to find balance in these new shoes; Pride.

It does me no good to try and keep things in, play it cool. I notice that I keep things from people so that I can have my own timing- not be pressured. What is surprising is that I never actually do things on my own time, thus making the effort of hiding irrelevant.

What this pride hides is the last piece of my puzzle. It’s time to practice letting it go. 

Release.

With my week of truth-telling came an unsuspected day of letting go.

I never realized how much effort it took to hold onto the truth until today. Up until this week, I was hanging onto the truth like a child gripping onto a teddy bear being ripped out of its arms. Practice has led truth-telling to now feel more like the release of a butterfly.

What I never realized is that I was hanging onto possessions much the same way. Today my childhood home was sold. I put my car up for sale. And I’m planning a staycation which will be entirely devoted to packing up and selling the things inside my family home.

I feel a resurgence of the same energy I had when I moved out. Excitement. Fear. And a strong release of energy followed by creating space for new things to enter in.

Of course it’s scary. But as I discovered in writing my last post, your biggest fears when expressed out into the world have the capability of inspiring others around you. And there is nothing more I am committed to than that.  

So here's a little ted talk to inspire me along the way.

Fear.

A flurry of activity is how I would describe last week. Conversation after conversation, each one pulling me out of the muck in my head that has been limiting my actions and goals the last few months.

Despite my last blogpost, I still have much work to do in terms of reaching out of my comfort zone and committing to big scary goals in my life. I have not written this week for two reasons. One: I have been talking about these realizations to everyone I see. Two: They scare the crap out of me, and honestly I tend to limit the people I tell my challenges to. Telling the world (yes, that’s you- the world) means I really will have to do what I say I will. Otherwise I face a life of self-abuse and regret.

SO. Here it is. The real truth followed by new life commitments.

I never completed applying for the writing job I so dearly want (more than anything, really). This also means I lied to some of you about doing it. I am scared I will not get it, and this cripples me with fear.

So... I will apply by Friday (for real this time). And one up? I will look for other writing jobs to apply to as well. If I’m re-writing my resume, better put it out there.

I have been limiting being who I really am with people because I am afraid to be real with them. Being ‘real’ can look like telling men I am not interested, telling men I AM interested, or telling someone I care about when something they did bothered me. This conversation terrifies me into avoiding even initial authentic conversations.

So... from now on I will be only myself and tell the truth always. Be a truth machine. Keep practicing.

I never ask men out. Like, never. The risk of rejection keeps me from putting myself out there, and only taking what is given to me. This ties back to highschool when I started having crushes, and its roots go back even further to when I wouldn’t ask for the Barbies I wanted at the toystore for risk of Mom saying no.

So (this one is big)... Ask out men. Deadline Monday.

I want to make money, but I don’t know how. I used to think I wasn’t capable, and now I know it’s that I haven’t tried. What I do know is the thought of taking an MBA or a Coaching Program thrills me with excitement.

So... Apply for MBA and Coaching Programs by December, regardless of whether or not I go. Eep!

Here I go, world. My next blog post will be about fulfilling on one of these commitments. I am excited for the accomplishment and confidence I will create out of completing each one of these. That said, I am terrified to actually take the leap.

Fear is an instinct telling me I will die from risking things.  I’m smarter than that, so I cannot listen to it anymore. 

To do, or to think?

Isn’t it funny how your intention isn’t enough sometimes? In July I came up with a writing project that I was inspired and driven by. So what I did was what I usually do. Get excited, buy a bunch of books and supplies, but forget the original intention of why I’m doing it. The whole point of this project was to write my way through it. And I haven’t put pen to paper or finger to keyboard since it started.

That said, I have never had such momentum or focus in my life. The original intent of this project was to re-train myself to be more responsible, and it is working. This morning I woke up excited to compare my spending in August vs. September, and see if my actions are paying off. These are the sort of responsibilities I often thought I would have ‘someday’ but never wanted to put the effort into doing now. But despite the fact I haven’t been documenting with word what I’m doing each day, it is paying off. I have spent $1600 less this month than I did last, and $100 of that was a decrease in alcohol and coffee alone. But what I didn’t expect was that my eagerness to finish things (instead of just start them and move on) would be stronger than ever.

What this all comes down to is a struggle of theory vs. action. And it shows up everywhere in my life. When I’m doing things I often forget to stop, reflect, and continue. Yet, talking too much about what to do often keeps me from ever doing it. Right now I’m faced with a writing project designed to record my actions that has resulted in all action, no writing. So what I’m re-committing to is building writing into my to-do list. A balance of theory and action is officially the next chapter of my project.

Sometimes taking a pause can leap you forward in the long run. And/or inspire others with what you share. So stay tuned, friends (for real this time)!

Same < Different

Today the power went out and I was forced into the sunlight mid-morning. Pooch in-arm, tote on-shoulder, I explored my community on foot for 6 hours. What I noticed about my ‘hood was the lovely conversations you can have with strangers in your community when you slow down. And what I noticed about myself is my love of contrast.

Two blocks from my place is a whole new world. Cross Spadina, and you are taken from apartment buildings and the foot traffic around St. Clair West Station to multi-million dollar homes and empty streets. Its perfection feels so cold and isolated from humanity and freedom.

What I love about everything west of my block is the authenticity. The people I know from walking my dog in the park that will walk up to me in the grocery store to say hi (even if you don’t see them first or know each other’s names). The hawaiian shirt guy who sits on the park’s bench every day. The dude that perches on the stairs outside my window, Skype-ing with his girlfriend. The couple with Chinese Crustids and haircuts that match their dogs. These are people in my life.

Those giant homes manicured like mini-hotels feel so distant from me. And though I don’t have anything in common with them or even desire to live there, I am glad they exist. It’s the blend of such contrasting things together in one general neighbourhood that makes me smile. A block in any direction and you get something different. I love that.

I sit now with an exhausted dog to my left after a productive day, and I feel he loves the bustle of going west as much as I do. I could be imagining it, but with masses of children petting him and treat-giving shop owners at every step, how could he not? 

Live for me? Or live for you?

None of us really look all that good most of the time. 

But how can you live your life not worrying what others think? Acting for what you know is right to you, and speaking with intention and love in a way that people want to hear the truth.

Every second we hang onto a conversation, every moment that we hold back- makes us less who we really are.

I hesitate so much in my life. Considering all options, deciding what is the best move. This sucks most of the time, by the way. Because there is no calculation for the best possible life. Truly living is to do so freely. To be one’s own self regardless of what happens around you. And for that self to be whole-heartedly at service for the world and the people in it.

I feel like I am hitting another teenage phase in my life. Where I have such amazing relationships and people who have floated into my life- and I am terrified to lose them. I hesitate on some conversations because I am afraid of how they will react. And it creates a void.

The next foot I put forward will be based on trust. Living life is a bit like walking with your eyes closed. You never know what you’re stepping into when you start a conversation; all there is to do is trust yourself and others in your life that the honest conversation will lead to the best result (even if it doesn’t feel it at the time). 

change.

Something shifted in me today that I didn’t expect.

I have never felt such emotion on the streets of my city. Rising out of St. Andrew Station, I walk into a sea of silent people lining the streets, orange everywhere- in flowers, in turbans, on signs screaming Love! Optimism! Hope!

Few times in life are we faced with happy accidents. Things unexpected that somehow change you. Bumping into Jack Layton’s funeral on the street was one of these moments. A dear friend to my right, my dog laying between my legs, and love surrounding us. So many tears were shared with strangers. The silence, applause, and emotion in the air was unlike anything I had ever felt before. And watching the dedication to the life of a man who changed this world somehow changed me as well.

We walked away from that funeral with cheeks dry and slick from tears, and with a whole new perspective on our minds. Quietly chatting as we strolled, we discussed how everything we think matters in the day to day actually doesn’t. We went over our lives and how we want to make a difference in this world. But mostly how lucky we were that we decided to meet on that street corner- right in front of the funeral, forgetting that it was happening that day.

Jack was right. We have a duty to bring more love, optimism and hope into this world before we leave it. That should be our gift to the future generations. One life has the capacity to change many.

I am ending a long day pondering. How can I really commit myself to making the world better this year? It’s not about my goals or achievements, it’s about everyone else's. Live for them and you will create a world that you want to live in. On anything, I have never been more clear. 

Grow up, would ya?

In January I set out to live out my goals. Really take the bull by the horns and start doing the things I always said I would do ‘one day’. What resulted was a sense of self-satisfaction I had never felt before that came from finally living the life I always wanted.

Through this change, I somehow I didn’t expect that all of the things I was used to in my old life would be so different. So much was better than I imagined (a new-found connection to my community, pride in my own living space, and walking everywhere), but I never considered that living alone, away from my family would feel so lonely. 

So a few months ago I indulged in things I loved in order to drown out any feelings of loss I felt; Shopping. Eating out. Three trips in one month. It was a lot of fun... and completely reckless.  

Then one day, I walk into a convenience store to buy some overpriced chips and dip- something I know I can’t afford, but ‘just this once’ I will make the exception (even though ‘just this once’ happened quite often). When my bank account came up dry, I realized I was face to face with my biggest lesson to date. And I could no longer choose whether I wanted to change based on how I felt.

Before this aha! moment, I had thought about starting a project to force myself to grow up. Not in the ‘suck it up; just do it’ kind of way- but in a way where I would learn about how my mind works while I was re-training it to be different. More responsible. Now did I want to actually do this at the time? Absolutely not. But was I now being forced into doing it? One hundred percent. That is the poetry of mistakes that life is.

Just like when I took on my goals project, I had some cleaning up to do before I could start this new project of re-wiring my irresponsible brain. You know, the usual things- start drinking less, tracking expenses, filing paperwork, using my investments to pay overdue bills, cancelling unnecessary subscriptions. And I’m now in a place where I feel like I can start the research to structure this project I’m about to put underway.

So with a new book open to page one, I’m forming the next stage of my life. And it feels more comfortable than I thought it would.

Stand Still. You'll be surprised what you see.

The thing about starting a new budget tracking system is that it puts things into perspective. What did I learn? I spend the same amount of money on alcohol and coffee as I do on groceries for the week. And that it’s easier for me to justify $16 on a bottle of wine than the paperwork filing system I desperately need.

At this point, I’m unsure of what to do with this information. On one hand, I love my life and feel balanced. On the other, I’m kind of surprised that two addictive substances eat up so much of my bank account. What I do know is that I am tempted to come up with some blanket goal that will change things (like quitting alcohol and coffee).

This week I have received a lot of coaching on my shit. You know what I mean; the parts of life that you don’t necessarily like. My peers, my friends, my ex, my manager, and even the new seminar I’m taking have all told me to ‘be with it’.

Normally when I’m uncomfortable, I default to strategy & action. I come up with a plan for how I can stop how I feel instead of going with it.

This is a new muscle to grow- just be with it. Don’t do anything... It doesn’t sound like it will ‘fix’ things, but that is kind of the point. We don’t need to fix life, we need to live it. And I admire these people too much not to listen to them. Here goes nothing...

Balance both sides.

This month has been a whirlwind of experiences. 6 cities. 2 countries. 3 road trips. Many friends, old and new. Many photographs I never would have taken otherwise. I wouldn’t trade any of it for the world. But in this whirlwind, I have been woo’d by the experience of fun, and neglected the responsibility of everyday.

To me, humanity is a balance of things we enjoy versus those we do not. Every night of binge drinking comes with a hangover. Every spending spree comes with debt. As exciting as this month has been, there is a lot of laundry, bills and general responsibility for me to tend to now that it is over. I have spent most of tonight wishing that wasn’t the case, while also realizing I cannot avoid it any longer.

‘Fun’ is a core value of mine. But it’s a tricky one. It likes to convince me that it should always be running the show. What I’m learning over the last few months is that this ‘fun’ little devil is not good with responsibility. Part of my new project is to train myself when I can have fun, and when it’s not useful. Because clearly, I have not got it down pat yet.

A friend told me tonight that it takes more than just one experience to actually learn something. Yet I have been holding myself to a different standard. I feel like by this age I should have everything all worked out. I should be the grown up I imagined when I was a teenager thinking about what 29-year-olds must be like. On one hand it’s less pressure to know we don’t all have it figured out. On the other hand, I’m clear what it is I need to figure out yesterday. And this might just be the kick in the ass I needed to make it happen.

I’m starting to realize that we all just go through a series of growing pains and growth spurts. The pains are awful, but necessary for us to sprout up and become better versions of ourselves. My learning today is that writing grounds me no matter what. And it’s important that I take time to write both when I’m happy and when I need an outlet.  Because just like life, our passions must live out in the balance of ups and downs we experience, in order for them to stay part of us. There is no perfect life, but the passionate one is the one we all strive to live for, isn’t it? 

Challenge Accepted...

It's funny how life can be sometimes. The things you think you need the least you actually need the most. And the things you want so desperately you may not quite be ready for. 

I was hours from cancelling this vacation in favour of taking action in my life at home. What I didn't realize is that it takes longer than a few days of reflection for me to re tune my strings. Mentally I accomplished so much this trip- and accessed parts of my mind that could not have been found on just a few days off. 

What I learned about myself this week is that I have taken the shortcut to relieving the loss of so many people I love. What I felt when my dad died I never wanted to feel again. So I buried it deep down and dropped all of the passions I had that reminded me of him. Now in the last few months my love for photography and writing resurfaced, and I felt alive again. But there was one glue that tied those together that I forgot I even forgot. My love for all things Country. 

As the proud new owner of a pair of cowboy boots and hat travels back to the city, I feel reconnected somehow. Rejuvenated. I am more clear of what I need to do to be balanced. The problem is that I know I will fall back into old habits. So I have decided to set myself up with a structure to retrain my subconscious. 

I have long been interested in neuroplasticity, and the notion that we can re-wire our brains (so to speak) to cause us to act a different way. A few days ago I sat in my favorite cafe in Vancouver, fresh off of a 4-day cowboy, beer, and rodeo binge and read an article on the frontal lobe of our brain. It identified this part of our brain as the part that indicates 'maturity', since it is the region known to curb impulses as it develops through our early 20's. The notion of long-term impact is registered in this part of the brain. Given that I had just spent the weekend avoiding all things healthy in favour of fried food, beer, and cowboy-admiring, I was feeling some frontal-lobe inadequacy. 

That's when it hit me. I often find it difficult to choose the 'right thing' to do over what I 'feel' like doing. A classic problem for someone in their early 20's, but something I felt I should be over as I near the dreaded dirty 30's. If I really want to have a serious life for myself, I have to stop acting like a child. But where before I would just get frustrated with myself and wish I could change, I now had a new perspective. According to the notion of neuroplasticity and what I learned from this article, all I have to do is ‘re-train' my frontal lobe to firmly consider the long-term impact of all of my decisions.

Easy enough right? The next five months will tell...

Point to somewhere on the map. Get in your car and drive.

Sometimes vacations work out your mind the way a good yoga class works your body. I started off this vacation with an epic weekend- filled with so much laughter, new friends, and photos that it was an adjustment coming down. A week of nothing on the agenda in a city that wasn’t my own seemed less like a treat and more like boredom. And I embraced more iPad games than scenic sightseeing for a few days.

After working through all of the ‘brain kinks’ I carried with me on the start of this vacation, I feel ready to start the next chapter. I’m starting to realize that I work better with a goal in mind- as proven by the motivation I had starting this blog. So my next project is underway. Because when you can’t get unstuck from where you are, choose a new place to go and it will always take you in the right direction. 

The Neverending Why

Sometimes I think "why" is a trap. Today I made a split second decision that I instantly regretted. What directly followed was a stream of thoughts involving regret, self-hatred, and theories about how I don't take enough risks and am therefore unhappy. 

What I seem to always forget is that my decisions don't define me. They might affect me, my circumstances, and how others view me- but they do not characterize who I am as a person. Or at the very least, thinking that they do is not helpful in living an empowered life. 

I like to think I am who I make myself this moment; independent of the moments that precede it. This would mean I have the capability if inventing and reinventing myself, learning from my mistakes and putting those learnings into action. 

At times, if left to my own devices I can be a bit of a two year old; constantly asking why and striving to find the underlying reasons for why things are the way they are.  While this can be useful in some cases, sometimes it is not.

So I am making a pact with myself over the next few days. Stop thinking, start doing. Go with my instincts and stick to my decisions. They may not be perfect, but hey- neither am I. The least I can do is be loyal to myself.

inspire. yourself.

It's been a while and I'm realizing that I have been waiting. For what, I don't know. Love. Inspiration. Something. But I now see that I'm putting too much responsibility in the hands of others to make me happy. 

It hit me like a ton of bricks while driving through the mountains yesterday. Call it a moment of clarity, but no one else gives a shit about me the way I do. And they probably never will. So when and why did I drop the ball on taking my life into my own hands?


It seems I have forgotten one important lesson. You have to do things even when you aren't inspired. You don't always get to choose. And while yes, sometimes we can be inspired by our dogs/cup of coffee/yoga/friends/romance/jobs, it's not up to them most of the time. It's up to you. It's the dishes theory- no one else will do them for you, no matter how much you ignore your kitchen.


So here I sit, in a park in Vancouver. Just like I do back home all of the time. And for the first time I don't feel lit up by this skyline the way I have every time before. Now the only thing left to do is generate the inspiration myself. Write. Photograph. Walk until it melts away. Put into practice what I know will help.


But if all else fails, what there is to do is be okay with wherever I am at. Because maybe it's just that I used up my quota of fun last weekend. And that is perfectly fine.

Feeling it, living it.

Days like today make everything worthwhile. The sun comes out and we all experience different Toronto. People smile, parks get crowded, there is a lightness to the air that didn't exist before. 

Friends have told me about the moment when you realize you live alone. They told stories about being sick and unable to make soup, or when they couldn't hang a picture on their own. Mine came today.

As if the world was teasing me with another one of its fabulous clichés, a small black bug showed up under my sofa cushion. This discovery resulted in a series of events I am not proud of; namely a compulsive google image search of "small black bug in house" all the while crossing my fingers it wasn't a bed bug, and breaking out in itchy hives through the process which only went away after a scalding shower. 

But the best part of living in Toronto is that sunny days can cure any case of the blues (or alleged 'spider beetles'). So here I am, sitting in my favourite spot of my favourite park, watching the sun go down; mason jar of wine in hand, dog by my side, breathing in freshly cut grass and watching the city's landmark while listening to music. Letting the sounds fill me with indulgence the way they do sometimes. Like the warmth of your first cocktail of the night, an indulgent dish of your favourite food, or making love. Feeling the moment completely through my body and being present in a way that takes full concentration. Living life with my whole body. Not just my mind.

My mind really does control my body.

So here I am. Sitting on my couch, phone in hand, ready to make the phone call that I have been putting off for ages. My mind is going over all of the ways that I am affected by procrastinating this. For the last 5 years, all of the people that have challenged me have been faced with my response to him, as opposed to who was actually in front of me. Seeing all this, I have never been more clear that I need to make this call.

What is happening in my body is something quite different though. I am quivering as though I am about to lose my life. As if through the phone his words could kill me (completely rational, right?). And while I know that won’t happen, it’s how I respond. My stomach is in knots, my hands are cold and sweaty, and my voice is shaking. I have never felt my body be so unsure.

It's the same feeling when faced with any fear. Like the first time I climbed a mountain, or when I got back onto the horse that had just bucked me off. In the end it will all be worth it, and I will see in hindsight just how irrational these fears are that my body has.

So how do I curb the fear long enough to actually make the call? I take a swig of my single malt to calm my nerves, sit back in my chair, and dial those 10 numbers that I did so many times in the past. Why? To show myself that I can be free of these words in my head, that I will not die from a phone call, and maybe (just maybe) I can get complete on this one last unfinished relationship in my life.  

And I dial... 4-1-6...

Muse.

Periodically I find a vibration of how it feels to be whole and complete. And for a moment, just a moment, I go with it. I lose the world and all of the little doubts in my head. I listen only to what is good and it seems like nothing can go wrong. Everything is aligned for that moment and I close my eyes in bliss.

I find I am most inspired in these moments; to be myself and not give a shit what anyone thinks. I feel connected. Life is good. Love is here. I am whole.

And this moment, right now, is one of them. Sitting in my bathtub, warmth in my heart, toes wrinkling. Listening to Metric sing as I agree, "Everybody everybody just wanna fall in love. Everybody everybody just wanna play the lead." These moments inspire me to live life to the fullest every day.

It’s yoga, it’s music, it’s love that brings me here. Funny how I lose these things first when I’m off balance. Must remember that for next time...

The Meaning of Life?

Sometimes I look at my dog and wonder if he’s got the meaning of life down pat.

He never hangs onto anything, he forgives easily, and lives for the next time he will get to play outside (but just falls asleep if you don’t give in), and he is always grateful.

We often make our lives so complicated. There is so much information, so much complexity to today’s society that it’s easy to make ourselves out to be the most significant people in the world (especially when we’re having a bad day).

I realized in line for my coffee this morning that I didn’t actually enjoy my morning routine. I spent so much time focussing on being on time and running efficiently that I forgot to appreciate what I encountered. The breakfast I took the time to make tasted SO good- and I dismissed all that pleasure because it squirted tomato on me on the subway (and then I spent the rest of the ride trying to pretend it didn’t happen). The way the rain lately has made so many flowers grow, and how colourful my morning walks are becoming. The look on Jace’s face when I told him we were going for a walk. There truly was so much to be grateful for.

It’s easy to live a life of standard everyday practices and not push yourself to appreciate further. Happiness takes self-generation to thrive. And to create it, we have to tell ourselves daily which can be difficult. But it’s the most important thing in the world; gratitude.

Think big. Dream big. Be big. Even if you’re small.

There are moments when you sense that things larger than yourself operate the world. And despite the human instinct to do things selfishly and avoid all things fearful, if you live your life for others there will be a huge impact on this planet.

And by you, I mean me (and hopefully you too).

It’s so easy to be comfortable with the world as you know it; to resist change, to think things will fall apart if they evolve. But they don’t.

Tonight I watched a video that brought back my faith in mankind. Where once I thought that technology was pulling us apart, I now realize it has the capability of bringing us together. Our community inspires us, involves us, and teaches us to be more than ourselves. But best of all, our connection with each other and our community can be instigated by any means.

Every day I learn more and more that the love for one’s community, combined with belief and faith in the good of people, is what leads to a fulfilled life.

Have a watch. It's well worth it:
http://www.thersa.org/events/vision/vision-videos/rachel-botsman

"Invisible threads are the strongest ties" -Nietzche

Funny how some things sometimes just...work.

Throughout my life I have met people pivotal in developing who I am; people who I connected with on a level that was beyond words. Even before I knew who my true self was, I was able to just be myself with these people. And these relationships became milestones in my life. The glimpses of myself I saw when I was around them allowed me to see that it was possible for things to be natural.

It's even more amazing now that I feel free and my true self most of the time, because I can be truly present with such friends on a whole other level. I appreciate it in a whole new way because I now see how pivotal it is when you meet someone like that. And what’s great is that these friendships become more frequent the more self-expressed I become, yet the impact never diminishes.

Thank you world for sending me precious friends who are beautiful, inspiring, and one in a million. I am forever thankful.

clean it up, come out of hiding

After weeks of procrastinating the scary things of living on my own (like laundry), I have finally stopped to smell the flowers. Well, stopped to photograph them at least...

I notice that when I put things off I have a different relationship with myself. And I hide from people when this happens. For me, being an only child means that comfort comes with hibernation and dealing with things alone. But this doesn’t foster healthy relationships with the people you love. When I’m in ‘only child mode,’ the tendency to blame others becomes harder to fight and I take everything personally. This week showed me that getting things done is my ticket out of that destructive place.

I’m not sure what it was that inspired me to clean up my integrity (and my apartment). Call it whatever you like; a boost of vitamin D from the sunny skies of late, or the lack of clean underwear that has pushed me to the edge and forced me to finally dive into my laundry. But what I learned was that when I am in an emotional slump, what there is to do is tackle my to-do list. Nothing gives me more freedom (or more clean laundry).

shine a new light.

It’s funny how we store things away from ourselves. In camouflaged boxes tucked away in the corners of our minds or bodies. There they stay until something comes by and shines a light on it. That’s when you begin to see your life in a whole new way.

Recently I discovered a lie that I told to myself long ago and forgot about. It stemmed from a lie that someone had told me long ago and the other day this person owned up to it. Hearing his words put my entire past in a different perspective. I saw how I had told myself years ago that I would never be good enough. Everyone I met afterward I saw in accordance with that belief. And all of a sudden, all of my actions made sense.

Funny how we can use these self-inflicting-lies to torture ourselves. Opinions of others can mean so much at times that we don’t stop and think about what we really think. I am discovering that I live my life too much for others and this is what keeps me from speaking up in relationships. When you are too busy thinking about how you appear to other people, you don’t see how they show up for you. It’s not possible to see two people at the same time.

Stop looking at yourself and start looking at other people.  They will smile, I promise.

a new day.

It’s funny what happens when you take people off a pedestal. They suddenly become people again, and you become your true self. All values become clear again. Everything falls into place. And the great big space that person used to take up in your life isn’t filled with anger or sadness or regret. It’s just filled with space. One large enough for only happiness and love to fill.

So this week I take on a little experiment. What it is, you will find out next week- but all I know is it will make me see what is truly possible when I am living life to the fullest. Because sometimes the only thing that gets you out of a funk where nothing is going your way is to hang out with the most awesome people you know. And I’m lucky to know a lot of awesome people.

little black cloud

photo by Luke Tyszkiewicz

Sometimes there is a little black cloud that follows you around. It laughs at you when you're sad and shoots thunderbolts at you when you're not looking. It can feel like it will never go away. But we all have a certain button (custom to each person) that kills the cloud and gets you back on the right path.

What can be tricky is that this button can change with time. Where once a yoga class was what did it, now that doesn't seem good enough. Or maybe you are able to diffuse the cloud for a day- and it comes right back again. And what did I name my cloud, you ask? Well that depends... You see, his name changes with every heartbreak.

To some extent, I think it's important to live where you are- embrace the little black cloud at times in order to truly get complete with what is bothering you. This is what they call embracing vulnerability. Where I start to run off track is when I share the cloud. Complaining or enrolling others in how terrible things are never works. It's important that you share where you are, but in my experience, that sharing can turn to complaint after 4 or 5 times.

So what there is to face for me now is giving it all up. No more 'poor me' act- it's time to get back on my path again. So I pull out my agenda, get on the web, and plan my week as though none of last week ever happened. There will always be new clouds to face in the future, but I'll be damned if I let them consolidate with the black clouds of my past- that is just not how I choose to live my life. And Spring is getting closer every day.

Times are a changing. And all we need is love.

As the world washes away the debris of winter, I start to think about our minds. They work at times like reservoirs- constantly needing to spill out and fill back up.

When my mind fills up with concern, there comes a point when I need to speak up so I can let go of what troubles me. Conversations you put off for years only fester. But it's so easy to be afraid of how people will respond, and not speak out on how we feel. At the end of the day, sometimes all you need to let go of a concern is to say it out loud- let it be heard and hold nothing back, and then suddenly, as if by magic, it no longer matters how anyone responds.

My body stores all of my concerns in it. My hips, my shoulders, my head all hang onto these things as much as my mind does. And having a network of people around you who care about you and want to support you can make all of the difference. When you lose someone in your life, what there is to do then is listen to your body, work on letting it go, and then notice who you do have in your life and be grateful for them.

I have never been more present to the love I have for the people in my life. They make this world better; they make my life better.

We live in an imperfect world. The things we want are most of the time not good for us, and they have the capability to make us utterly unhappy. So when what you want doesn't happen- look at what you need. Because all we usually need is love, friendship, trust, and fun.

“ If you are aware that no one else can make you happy, and that happiness is the result of love coming out of you, this becomes…the mastery of love.” –Don Miguel Ruiz

Sometimes it’s only the little things. A stranger smiling at you on the subway. A boy making small talk and introducing himself in a coffee shop. These are the things that get to make us happy if we let them.

It’s when we don’t connect with the world that we miss this opportunity. So whatever it is that is keeping you from being present, from observing and appreciating whatever it is that stays on your mind and robs you of the chance to see these moments of happiness, clean it up now.

There is not a moment to lose being distracted in the world and letting the beauty of our planet pass you by.

Soul.

To this day, nothing touches me like Music does. 

What else can make me cry on the drop of a note, feel shivers through my whole body, carry me away to another place, another time, another me. It fills me with complete distraction, drowns out all noise and voices of myself, of others. I ignore the world, and drown in emotion. Totally and completely lost in it. 

The ultimate surrender. The ultimate love.

Life lives in perspective...

...Everything we do, all we experience is just a matter of it. Sometimes I think the only reason we take action is to gain new perspective. This is why we distract ourselves from our lives.

We drink to bring lightness to our work-week, have dogs to make us see the fun in little things, eat junk to experience a shot of pleasure in our day, and move to feel like a different person for a little while. All of these make us realize what is possible, and have the potential to energize our effort to change, work and ultimately be someone who lives them all of the time. 

While yes, this is the opposite opinion to my last post about distractions- it is clear I have gained some perspective by distracting myself. I’m more clear and confident on the things I am committed to than ever before. This weekend it took a little flirting, dancing, and a wipeout in the snow to affirm that I’m on the right path.

All this to say that sometimes these distractions are all you need to get a bit of clarity and perspective on your own life and what you need to do to live the life you love. The trap comes when you let that distraction take over and ignore what’s really going on. Distraction is a tool- like a hammer. But you don’t want it to become your only one, or eventually you will be eating your cereal with a hammer instead of a spoon. And that's just not effective.

So today it will take dancing in my living room and a cup of coffee to get me there.

spring will come.

My stingy voice hates me being vulnerable. It totally and completely resists giving in and always wants to get back control. In fact, just thinking about succumbing to my feelings makes my gut churn. It gives me tension in my throat. And choosing vulnerability when it comes with such discomfort, choosing love when it is as painful as it is filled with joy, and choosing a new life when it’s so easy to be complacent is…difficult. 

I am an expert at distracting myself from what I really feel by focussing on something shiny and new. And it keeps me from commitment, which is so clearly the next challenge for me.

I got some coaching today that if I am really choosing commitment, then I can’t be distracted by just any light-heartedness that could potentially relieve the temporary agony of being vulnerable and exposing a real me to the world. What I need to have instead is the courage to have patience, which will create the space for things to happen. 

So I am surrounded by things I cherish. An apartment that I adore. Friends that make life worth living.  A job that doesn’t feel like work. A life I love. There is nothing left anymore to distract myself from the longing I have to fall in love.

What’s left is I have to choose for it not to feel like I’m giving something up, or succumbing control. I have to choose for it to feel like the first night in Spring feels; fresh, happy and new, and surprising in its warmth. Exciting as a summer in the city.