spring will come.

My stingy voice hates me being vulnerable. It totally and completely resists giving in and always wants to get back control. In fact, just thinking about succumbing to my feelings makes my gut churn. It gives me tension in my throat. And choosing vulnerability when it comes with such discomfort, choosing love when it is as painful as it is filled with joy, and choosing a new life when it’s so easy to be complacent is…difficult. 

I am an expert at distracting myself from what I really feel by focussing on something shiny and new. And it keeps me from commitment, which is so clearly the next challenge for me.

I got some coaching today that if I am really choosing commitment, then I can’t be distracted by just any light-heartedness that could potentially relieve the temporary agony of being vulnerable and exposing a real me to the world. What I need to have instead is the courage to have patience, which will create the space for things to happen. 

So I am surrounded by things I cherish. An apartment that I adore. Friends that make life worth living.  A job that doesn’t feel like work. A life I love. There is nothing left anymore to distract myself from the longing I have to fall in love.

What’s left is I have to choose for it not to feel like I’m giving something up, or succumbing control. I have to choose for it to feel like the first night in Spring feels; fresh, happy and new, and surprising in its warmth. Exciting as a summer in the city.