So here I am. Sitting on my couch, phone in hand, ready to make the phone call that I have been putting off for ages. My mind is going over all of the ways that I am affected by procrastinating this. For the last 5 years, all of the people that have challenged me have been faced with my response to him, as opposed to who was actually in front of me. Seeing all this, I have never been more clear that I need to make this call.
What is happening in my body is something quite different though. I am quivering as though I am about to lose my life. As if through the phone his words could kill me (completely rational, right?). And while I know that won’t happen, it’s how I respond. My stomach is in knots, my hands are cold and sweaty, and my voice is shaking. I have never felt my body be so unsure.
It's the same feeling when faced with any fear. Like the first time I climbed a mountain, or when I got back onto the horse that had just bucked me off. In the end it will all be worth it, and I will see in hindsight just how irrational these fears are that my body has.
So how do I curb the fear long enough to actually make the call? I take a swig of my single malt to calm my nerves, sit back in my chair, and dial those 10 numbers that I did so many times in the past. Why? To show myself that I can be free of these words in my head, that I will not die from a phone call, and maybe (just maybe) I can get complete on this one last unfinished relationship in my life.
And I dial... 4-1-6...
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