Fear.

A flurry of activity is how I would describe last week. Conversation after conversation, each one pulling me out of the muck in my head that has been limiting my actions and goals the last few months.

Despite my last blogpost, I still have much work to do in terms of reaching out of my comfort zone and committing to big scary goals in my life. I have not written this week for two reasons. One: I have been talking about these realizations to everyone I see. Two: They scare the crap out of me, and honestly I tend to limit the people I tell my challenges to. Telling the world (yes, that’s you- the world) means I really will have to do what I say I will. Otherwise I face a life of self-abuse and regret.

SO. Here it is. The real truth followed by new life commitments.

I never completed applying for the writing job I so dearly want (more than anything, really). This also means I lied to some of you about doing it. I am scared I will not get it, and this cripples me with fear.

So... I will apply by Friday (for real this time). And one up? I will look for other writing jobs to apply to as well. If I’m re-writing my resume, better put it out there.

I have been limiting being who I really am with people because I am afraid to be real with them. Being ‘real’ can look like telling men I am not interested, telling men I AM interested, or telling someone I care about when something they did bothered me. This conversation terrifies me into avoiding even initial authentic conversations.

So... from now on I will be only myself and tell the truth always. Be a truth machine. Keep practicing.

I never ask men out. Like, never. The risk of rejection keeps me from putting myself out there, and only taking what is given to me. This ties back to highschool when I started having crushes, and its roots go back even further to when I wouldn’t ask for the Barbies I wanted at the toystore for risk of Mom saying no.

So (this one is big)... Ask out men. Deadline Monday.

I want to make money, but I don’t know how. I used to think I wasn’t capable, and now I know it’s that I haven’t tried. What I do know is the thought of taking an MBA or a Coaching Program thrills me with excitement.

So... Apply for MBA and Coaching Programs by December, regardless of whether or not I go. Eep!

Here I go, world. My next blog post will be about fulfilling on one of these commitments. I am excited for the accomplishment and confidence I will create out of completing each one of these. That said, I am terrified to actually take the leap.

Fear is an instinct telling me I will die from risking things.  I’m smarter than that, so I cannot listen to it anymore.