Grow up, would ya?

In January I set out to live out my goals. Really take the bull by the horns and start doing the things I always said I would do ‘one day’. What resulted was a sense of self-satisfaction I had never felt before that came from finally living the life I always wanted.

Through this change, I somehow I didn’t expect that all of the things I was used to in my old life would be so different. So much was better than I imagined (a new-found connection to my community, pride in my own living space, and walking everywhere), but I never considered that living alone, away from my family would feel so lonely. 

So a few months ago I indulged in things I loved in order to drown out any feelings of loss I felt; Shopping. Eating out. Three trips in one month. It was a lot of fun... and completely reckless.  

Then one day, I walk into a convenience store to buy some overpriced chips and dip- something I know I can’t afford, but ‘just this once’ I will make the exception (even though ‘just this once’ happened quite often). When my bank account came up dry, I realized I was face to face with my biggest lesson to date. And I could no longer choose whether I wanted to change based on how I felt.

Before this aha! moment, I had thought about starting a project to force myself to grow up. Not in the ‘suck it up; just do it’ kind of way- but in a way where I would learn about how my mind works while I was re-training it to be different. More responsible. Now did I want to actually do this at the time? Absolutely not. But was I now being forced into doing it? One hundred percent. That is the poetry of mistakes that life is.

Just like when I took on my goals project, I had some cleaning up to do before I could start this new project of re-wiring my irresponsible brain. You know, the usual things- start drinking less, tracking expenses, filing paperwork, using my investments to pay overdue bills, cancelling unnecessary subscriptions. And I’m now in a place where I feel like I can start the research to structure this project I’m about to put underway.

So with a new book open to page one, I’m forming the next stage of my life. And it feels more comfortable than I thought it would.