Live for me? Or live for you?

None of us really look all that good most of the time. 

But how can you live your life not worrying what others think? Acting for what you know is right to you, and speaking with intention and love in a way that people want to hear the truth.

Every second we hang onto a conversation, every moment that we hold back- makes us less who we really are.

I hesitate so much in my life. Considering all options, deciding what is the best move. This sucks most of the time, by the way. Because there is no calculation for the best possible life. Truly living is to do so freely. To be one’s own self regardless of what happens around you. And for that self to be whole-heartedly at service for the world and the people in it.

I feel like I am hitting another teenage phase in my life. Where I have such amazing relationships and people who have floated into my life- and I am terrified to lose them. I hesitate on some conversations because I am afraid of how they will react. And it creates a void.

The next foot I put forward will be based on trust. Living life is a bit like walking with your eyes closed. You never know what you’re stepping into when you start a conversation; all there is to do is trust yourself and others in your life that the honest conversation will lead to the best result (even if it doesn’t feel it at the time). 

change.

Something shifted in me today that I didn’t expect.

I have never felt such emotion on the streets of my city. Rising out of St. Andrew Station, I walk into a sea of silent people lining the streets, orange everywhere- in flowers, in turbans, on signs screaming Love! Optimism! Hope!

Few times in life are we faced with happy accidents. Things unexpected that somehow change you. Bumping into Jack Layton’s funeral on the street was one of these moments. A dear friend to my right, my dog laying between my legs, and love surrounding us. So many tears were shared with strangers. The silence, applause, and emotion in the air was unlike anything I had ever felt before. And watching the dedication to the life of a man who changed this world somehow changed me as well.

We walked away from that funeral with cheeks dry and slick from tears, and with a whole new perspective on our minds. Quietly chatting as we strolled, we discussed how everything we think matters in the day to day actually doesn’t. We went over our lives and how we want to make a difference in this world. But mostly how lucky we were that we decided to meet on that street corner- right in front of the funeral, forgetting that it was happening that day.

Jack was right. We have a duty to bring more love, optimism and hope into this world before we leave it. That should be our gift to the future generations. One life has the capacity to change many.

I am ending a long day pondering. How can I really commit myself to making the world better this year? It’s not about my goals or achievements, it’s about everyone else's. Live for them and you will create a world that you want to live in. On anything, I have never been more clear. 

Grow up, would ya?

In January I set out to live out my goals. Really take the bull by the horns and start doing the things I always said I would do ‘one day’. What resulted was a sense of self-satisfaction I had never felt before that came from finally living the life I always wanted.

Through this change, I somehow I didn’t expect that all of the things I was used to in my old life would be so different. So much was better than I imagined (a new-found connection to my community, pride in my own living space, and walking everywhere), but I never considered that living alone, away from my family would feel so lonely. 

So a few months ago I indulged in things I loved in order to drown out any feelings of loss I felt; Shopping. Eating out. Three trips in one month. It was a lot of fun... and completely reckless.  

Then one day, I walk into a convenience store to buy some overpriced chips and dip- something I know I can’t afford, but ‘just this once’ I will make the exception (even though ‘just this once’ happened quite often). When my bank account came up dry, I realized I was face to face with my biggest lesson to date. And I could no longer choose whether I wanted to change based on how I felt.

Before this aha! moment, I had thought about starting a project to force myself to grow up. Not in the ‘suck it up; just do it’ kind of way- but in a way where I would learn about how my mind works while I was re-training it to be different. More responsible. Now did I want to actually do this at the time? Absolutely not. But was I now being forced into doing it? One hundred percent. That is the poetry of mistakes that life is.

Just like when I took on my goals project, I had some cleaning up to do before I could start this new project of re-wiring my irresponsible brain. You know, the usual things- start drinking less, tracking expenses, filing paperwork, using my investments to pay overdue bills, cancelling unnecessary subscriptions. And I’m now in a place where I feel like I can start the research to structure this project I’m about to put underway.

So with a new book open to page one, I’m forming the next stage of my life. And it feels more comfortable than I thought it would.

Stand Still. You'll be surprised what you see.

The thing about starting a new budget tracking system is that it puts things into perspective. What did I learn? I spend the same amount of money on alcohol and coffee as I do on groceries for the week. And that it’s easier for me to justify $16 on a bottle of wine than the paperwork filing system I desperately need.

At this point, I’m unsure of what to do with this information. On one hand, I love my life and feel balanced. On the other, I’m kind of surprised that two addictive substances eat up so much of my bank account. What I do know is that I am tempted to come up with some blanket goal that will change things (like quitting alcohol and coffee).

This week I have received a lot of coaching on my shit. You know what I mean; the parts of life that you don’t necessarily like. My peers, my friends, my ex, my manager, and even the new seminar I’m taking have all told me to ‘be with it’.

Normally when I’m uncomfortable, I default to strategy & action. I come up with a plan for how I can stop how I feel instead of going with it.

This is a new muscle to grow- just be with it. Don’t do anything... It doesn’t sound like it will ‘fix’ things, but that is kind of the point. We don’t need to fix life, we need to live it. And I admire these people too much not to listen to them. Here goes nothing...

Balance both sides.

This month has been a whirlwind of experiences. 6 cities. 2 countries. 3 road trips. Many friends, old and new. Many photographs I never would have taken otherwise. I wouldn’t trade any of it for the world. But in this whirlwind, I have been woo’d by the experience of fun, and neglected the responsibility of everyday.

To me, humanity is a balance of things we enjoy versus those we do not. Every night of binge drinking comes with a hangover. Every spending spree comes with debt. As exciting as this month has been, there is a lot of laundry, bills and general responsibility for me to tend to now that it is over. I have spent most of tonight wishing that wasn’t the case, while also realizing I cannot avoid it any longer.

‘Fun’ is a core value of mine. But it’s a tricky one. It likes to convince me that it should always be running the show. What I’m learning over the last few months is that this ‘fun’ little devil is not good with responsibility. Part of my new project is to train myself when I can have fun, and when it’s not useful. Because clearly, I have not got it down pat yet.

A friend told me tonight that it takes more than just one experience to actually learn something. Yet I have been holding myself to a different standard. I feel like by this age I should have everything all worked out. I should be the grown up I imagined when I was a teenager thinking about what 29-year-olds must be like. On one hand it’s less pressure to know we don’t all have it figured out. On the other hand, I’m clear what it is I need to figure out yesterday. And this might just be the kick in the ass I needed to make it happen.

I’m starting to realize that we all just go through a series of growing pains and growth spurts. The pains are awful, but necessary for us to sprout up and become better versions of ourselves. My learning today is that writing grounds me no matter what. And it’s important that I take time to write both when I’m happy and when I need an outlet.  Because just like life, our passions must live out in the balance of ups and downs we experience, in order for them to stay part of us. There is no perfect life, but the passionate one is the one we all strive to live for, isn’t it? 

Challenge Accepted...

It's funny how life can be sometimes. The things you think you need the least you actually need the most. And the things you want so desperately you may not quite be ready for. 

I was hours from cancelling this vacation in favour of taking action in my life at home. What I didn't realize is that it takes longer than a few days of reflection for me to re tune my strings. Mentally I accomplished so much this trip- and accessed parts of my mind that could not have been found on just a few days off. 

What I learned about myself this week is that I have taken the shortcut to relieving the loss of so many people I love. What I felt when my dad died I never wanted to feel again. So I buried it deep down and dropped all of the passions I had that reminded me of him. Now in the last few months my love for photography and writing resurfaced, and I felt alive again. But there was one glue that tied those together that I forgot I even forgot. My love for all things Country. 

As the proud new owner of a pair of cowboy boots and hat travels back to the city, I feel reconnected somehow. Rejuvenated. I am more clear of what I need to do to be balanced. The problem is that I know I will fall back into old habits. So I have decided to set myself up with a structure to retrain my subconscious. 

I have long been interested in neuroplasticity, and the notion that we can re-wire our brains (so to speak) to cause us to act a different way. A few days ago I sat in my favorite cafe in Vancouver, fresh off of a 4-day cowboy, beer, and rodeo binge and read an article on the frontal lobe of our brain. It identified this part of our brain as the part that indicates 'maturity', since it is the region known to curb impulses as it develops through our early 20's. The notion of long-term impact is registered in this part of the brain. Given that I had just spent the weekend avoiding all things healthy in favour of fried food, beer, and cowboy-admiring, I was feeling some frontal-lobe inadequacy. 

That's when it hit me. I often find it difficult to choose the 'right thing' to do over what I 'feel' like doing. A classic problem for someone in their early 20's, but something I felt I should be over as I near the dreaded dirty 30's. If I really want to have a serious life for myself, I have to stop acting like a child. But where before I would just get frustrated with myself and wish I could change, I now had a new perspective. According to the notion of neuroplasticity and what I learned from this article, all I have to do is ‘re-train' my frontal lobe to firmly consider the long-term impact of all of my decisions.

Easy enough right? The next five months will tell...

Point to somewhere on the map. Get in your car and drive.

Sometimes vacations work out your mind the way a good yoga class works your body. I started off this vacation with an epic weekend- filled with so much laughter, new friends, and photos that it was an adjustment coming down. A week of nothing on the agenda in a city that wasn’t my own seemed less like a treat and more like boredom. And I embraced more iPad games than scenic sightseeing for a few days.

After working through all of the ‘brain kinks’ I carried with me on the start of this vacation, I feel ready to start the next chapter. I’m starting to realize that I work better with a goal in mind- as proven by the motivation I had starting this blog. So my next project is underway. Because when you can’t get unstuck from where you are, choose a new place to go and it will always take you in the right direction.