I don't matter...

The last few days I’ve felt off. Once the Blissology Workshop was over last week, I took a ‘break’ over the weekend (which I think is what most North Americans do when they’re in a moment of pride for themselves, no?).

Then this strange thing happened. I had a ‘break’ hangover that lasted until Tuesday night. In fact, I was more tired the last 4 days than I was the whole week I got up before 5am to do yoga. I woke up this morning after a 12-hour sleep (No joke! 7pm-7am), and realized that I had missed my ‘Vision Day’ almost completely. Something I was SO excited for a week ago! And did I live my vision on that day? No. Did I even want to try? No. Do I feel regret even now? No.

So sitting on my yoga mat today, halfway through a Blissology DVD, it came to me. When I’m in a breakdown, when things don’t go my way, I say to myself “I don’t care. I don’t want to try.” …and all of the right justifications or reasons fall into place to reinforce this thought pattern. These are the exact thoughts I had when doing triangle pose; “I don’t really care. I’m alone in my apartment. I don’t need to push into the pose- it doesn’t matter. I don’t matter.” Funny how our body will say the same thing our mind does.

Once again, I’m brought right back to the balance conversation. Going all out then taking a break doesn’t work. So all-inclusive vactions? Yeah, not for me. Sitting around for one week doesn’t make up for a year of running around like a chicken with my head cut off. And even more than that, I have to get used to doing things to honor myself and not just other people.

All that said, I should probably finish this DVD. But first? A little coffee and brekkie to bring back the inspiration. So now I know. When I’m in a breakdown, when I’m not wanting to push, it’s nothing a little ‘CWY’ won’t fix (Coffee, Writing, Yoga, of course).