Terror and Thrill

With new circumstances, it’s a fine line between terror and thrill. 

In terms of accomplishing new things, entering new territory, I’m surrounded. Lately it seems that everything I do is new- and the only thing I have to hold onto is who I am being through it all. I’m straddling the dividing line between terror and thrill daily. And I’m jumping back and forth like there are hot coals on each side. 

Sometimes it feels like I am two people. The me who is driven, confident, self expressed versus the me who loves to take the easy road, go by instinct, not try. Take a guess which ‘me’ is terrified and which is thrilled. 

What it comes down to is at the end of the day, who do I want to be? Or is this even a choice I get to make? Because it seems the thrill always comes from acting on what terrifies you. Like saying “I love you” for the first time. Or killing a spider because there's no one else to do it.

My last few days have been…uncomfortable. The anticipation of whether or not I got my dream apartment. Walking into a new workplace with all new unfamiliar faces and operations. Speaking up on how I feel in an old relationship turned new again. Slowly saying goodbye to a team of people who have inspired me to grow so much over the last two years, and acknowledging what they mean to me. Sorting my family home into boxes that will create my new home, a new me. Saying goodbye to the child, and hello to the adult.

One word to describe how I am feeling; vulnerable. It's all happening, all realizing.

For once, I am okay with feeling what I feel and not trying to distract myself. But what makes it okay is speaking up, sharing. Being terrified but not holding it in until it makes me act weird. And that’s the only thing that gives me power right now. And just a little faith that everything will be fabulous when it is actualized.