Out of the Zone

It’s funny how we can react to leaving our comfort zone. My whole life I have lost people I loved. Now, here I am, choosing a different life. Choosing to leave a team that I love and have worked so hard to connect to. Choosing to leave my mom and move out of her house. All for something totally new that has none of the guarantees I get from being where I am comfortable.

Last week I chose to see my new venture in a negative light. I was afraid that I would never get related to a new team at work. I was afraid I would never get the apartment I was already picturing as home. I even chose not to bond with a new seminar group because I loved my old group too much. But I was wrong. I learned the that you can create home wherever you go- as long as you are being yourself and dropping this story that new is uncomfortable. 

I heard a tale last night that really hit home for me. It was about two boys who faced a neverending wall on their way home from school. Instead of going around it, they would throw their hats over the wall- that way they would be forced to find a way over. 

This is what I did when I started living my vision. I got into action, I took the plunge, I threw my hat. But what comes after is a high climb up the wall in order to get to the other side. And I’m glad to say I’m on my way back down again. I have never been more excited for the life I’m creating. 

So what’s the next wall? Love. And that one should be interesting…

Terror and Thrill

With new circumstances, it’s a fine line between terror and thrill. 

In terms of accomplishing new things, entering new territory, I’m surrounded. Lately it seems that everything I do is new- and the only thing I have to hold onto is who I am being through it all. I’m straddling the dividing line between terror and thrill daily. And I’m jumping back and forth like there are hot coals on each side. 

Sometimes it feels like I am two people. The me who is driven, confident, self expressed versus the me who loves to take the easy road, go by instinct, not try. Take a guess which ‘me’ is terrified and which is thrilled. 

What it comes down to is at the end of the day, who do I want to be? Or is this even a choice I get to make? Because it seems the thrill always comes from acting on what terrifies you. Like saying “I love you” for the first time. Or killing a spider because there's no one else to do it.

My last few days have been…uncomfortable. The anticipation of whether or not I got my dream apartment. Walking into a new workplace with all new unfamiliar faces and operations. Speaking up on how I feel in an old relationship turned new again. Slowly saying goodbye to a team of people who have inspired me to grow so much over the last two years, and acknowledging what they mean to me. Sorting my family home into boxes that will create my new home, a new me. Saying goodbye to the child, and hello to the adult.

One word to describe how I am feeling; vulnerable. It's all happening, all realizing.

For once, I am okay with feeling what I feel and not trying to distract myself. But what makes it okay is speaking up, sharing. Being terrified but not holding it in until it makes me act weird. And that’s the only thing that gives me power right now. And just a little faith that everything will be fabulous when it is actualized.

Things I Learned This Weekend:

 Old habits do die hard. And small decorative boxes are amazing for packing. 

…Ok, so that second bit is still my old habits dying hard. 

Remember how I discovered that I was an OCD hoarder? Well it appears purging has taken place of this hoarding. I have given away most of my stuff- to the point where half of my total belongings are now neatly stored and labelled in the small decorative boxes I once emptied in the great purge of 2011. And there they sit, waiting for me to move in a few short weeks. A slight detour on the pathway to normal-ville, but at least I’m headed in the right direction. 

It also appears that I had a compulsive need to buy furniture and household items for a long while that went unnoticed. I ask you, what 29-year-old moving out of their childhood home for the first time has TOO MUCH furniture? This girl, right here…that’s who. 

And what does one do when they realize this all at once; standing in their kitchen amongst all of the things they cherish all packed into boxes? You dance, that’s what you do. Dance in your kitchen to Norah Jones playing on the radio. And breathe.

So that’s just what I did.

I love myself, I love myself, I love myself

So I’ve been away from writing for a little bit, and while I was gone I found something. It’s something I knew I was looking for in general, but as soon as I stopped trying I found it (I guess it’s true what they say, huh?).

I found myself.

It’s not that I felt lost before, but now that I’m here it feels like home. In the past I had glimpses of what it was like to embrace my unique contribution to the world, but it never quite became who I was (without effort, at least).  Looking back, I am so clear on how hard I was trying to show who I was before. And I never want to live in that much effort again.

Remember how I fretted a month ago about doing my dishes? Yeah, not a problem anymore.  I don’t have to think about doing things, I just do them. I don’t worry about how I will be when I meet new people. I am just myself. There is a serious lack of drama. 

So now I wonder, how did this happen? It’s not like something dramatic took place that shifted me. I didn’t even know anything had changed until I noticed how people acted different around me and how I acted different in the world. 

If I’m honest, I think that committing to my vision and re-writing my goals is what did it. 10 years dreaming of what it would be like to live downtown and walk to work- and it’s finally being actualized. I have done the work and now I get to be who I always wanted. And I pinch myself 8 times a day. 

What had the biggest impact though was cleaning up the mess of my past, and narrowing the things in my life down to that which I love. It allowed me to focus and truly be grateful for every single bit of my life.

And so now I get to be grateful for you. For the space to share myself and find true self-expression through it. Thank you world. For being so forgiving, welcoming, loving, and accepting.

How valuable is it to have a quick wit?

To smile big every day. To love…without conditions or fear. To give without limit. To share yourself and not hold back. To be generous and grateful. To live life and embrace your circumstances. To be thankful for what you have right now, in this moment, and always be present to that feeling. To touch a stranger in a kind and thoughtful way. To change a life for the better and be a contribution to the world. And mostly, to be this, even when you don’t feel like it.

This is the world I am creating. 

Today. Tomorrow. Always.

I don't matter...

The last few days I’ve felt off. Once the Blissology Workshop was over last week, I took a ‘break’ over the weekend (which I think is what most North Americans do when they’re in a moment of pride for themselves, no?).

Then this strange thing happened. I had a ‘break’ hangover that lasted until Tuesday night. In fact, I was more tired the last 4 days than I was the whole week I got up before 5am to do yoga. I woke up this morning after a 12-hour sleep (No joke! 7pm-7am), and realized that I had missed my ‘Vision Day’ almost completely. Something I was SO excited for a week ago! And did I live my vision on that day? No. Did I even want to try? No. Do I feel regret even now? No.

So sitting on my yoga mat today, halfway through a Blissology DVD, it came to me. When I’m in a breakdown, when things don’t go my way, I say to myself “I don’t care. I don’t want to try.” …and all of the right justifications or reasons fall into place to reinforce this thought pattern. These are the exact thoughts I had when doing triangle pose; “I don’t really care. I’m alone in my apartment. I don’t need to push into the pose- it doesn’t matter. I don’t matter.” Funny how our body will say the same thing our mind does.

Once again, I’m brought right back to the balance conversation. Going all out then taking a break doesn’t work. So all-inclusive vactions? Yeah, not for me. Sitting around for one week doesn’t make up for a year of running around like a chicken with my head cut off. And even more than that, I have to get used to doing things to honor myself and not just other people.

All that said, I should probably finish this DVD. But first? A little coffee and brekkie to bring back the inspiration. So now I know. When I’m in a breakdown, when I’m not wanting to push, it’s nothing a little ‘CWY’ won’t fix (Coffee, Writing, Yoga, of course).