Yoga has taught me…

That some of the weirdest looking things are what feel the best.

To be in the moment and love standing still.

Don’t look outside for your limits, but to know them from within and listen to them- even when you don’t want to.

Hold through that which is uncomfortable because the release you feel after is worth all the pain.

Make friends with your neighbour and never be intimated. If they look unapproachable, it’s probably because they’re nervous too.

But most of all, to be kind and forgiving of myself.

Warning…this is a heavy one.

Last week I committed myself to something I didn’t think was possible; a yoga workshop every day downtown at 6:30am for a whole week. But somehow once I signed up, everything fell in line to make it happen.

This commitment got me thinking a lot about balance. How it means something different to everyone- and that I haven’t really explored what it means for me since I’m never ‘in integrity’ with myself (you know- the same old story of putting myself first, and all that jazz). I’m always coming up with reasons for why things can’t work, or why I shouldn’t commit. In relationships. In money. In life.

One thing I notice we don’t commit to enough is our selves. Eoin Finn (the rockstar yogi who is teaching the workshop) is more himself than anyone I have ever met. He never appears to have to try. He just is. What a freeing concept. Commitment to one’s self. I’ve heard a million songs about this very topic, but never really got it until now. Well done, Whitney Houston and Jill Scott for discovering this before I did and creating the soundtrack to my week of discovery in self-commitment.

But what is most surprising in committing myself to this vision is how it sometimes takes breaking existing commitments in order to truly commit to your life. Sort of a stop, change, start. Like ending that gym membership that you never use but hang onto because you might want to go one of these days. Getting real about the relationships that feel good now, but have no future. Being honest about what job you want and whether it can happen where you work now. Or the ultimate for me; moving out and living on my own.

All of these are about reaching out past what’s comfortable and easy, and into the unknown and life-changing world. It’s all very yoga, no? Like the hip opening postures I have had so much trouble with this week. It takes a level of surrendering to the uncomfortable to truly benefit from the situation.

So the challenge is that every day you do something that makes you uncomfortable. Because that could potentially be what you need the most.

The thrill of the new or the comfort of the well-worn-in?

I’m starting to feel like I am giving up a lot to live this vision. While there is an incredible sense of 'fresh-start' going on in my apartment from a severe lack of ‘stuff’ (a result of purging nearly everything I own), I am feeling a tad 'empty' as my apartment gets more and more physically empty.

I got to thinking about what actually drives me to have so much stuff, and not just commit to having one of something.  So I brought my friend Google in for some help. And you know what he said? This:

“ Drs. Gjedde and Moller were quoted as saying that the measurement of dopamine revealed the test subjects who had the strongest urge to seek out new and thrilling experiences had both more dopamine in the brain and more areas in the brain where dopamine was active.”

It’s a drug. My urge to buy new things, find new people, go new places…is a drug in my brain. But it makes sense, right? It’s a high when you buy something new, go on a first date, or experience a new place. Imagine the thrill of going on a first date in a new outfit at a new place? That’s one hell of a habit to break- and one that most perpetually single people like myself are naturally drawn to (for now-obvious reasons).

This leads me to think this experience of living a new life, a new vision, might be a lot like breaking an addiction.

So now where do I start? Keep cleaning, I guess. And maybe obsess a little about how to break addictions by reading stuff on the internet. Maybe.

Watch it. Love it. Be it.

A poetic talk that re-inspires me to keep on my path to this vision every day.

Brown discovers what makes people whole-hearted is…

 “The courage to be imperfect. They had the compassion to be kind to themselves first, and then to others. Because as it turns out, we can’t practice compassion with other people if we can’t treat ourselves kindly… They had connection (and this was the hard part) as a result of authenticity. They were willing to let go of what they should be in order to be who they were. The other thing they had in common was… they fully embraced Vulnerability. They believed that what made them vulnerable, made them beautiful.”

A great investment of 20 minutes of your life.

http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

on the road to greatness.

My vision involves my new found passion for photography. A passion which I truly love, but know little to nothing about and it intimidates me greatly. So I asked Santa for a fancy camera for Christmas. And sure enough on Christmas morning, sitting under the tree was a shiny new camera all wrapped up just for me- the ultimate proof that I had been a good girl all year.

Over the holidays, the excitement of playing with my camera was easy. Lots of shiny and beautiful things to take photos of while I toy with every button, whizzle, and knob there is to play with. Post-New-Year’s, the interesting things in your house diminish greatly. And now, any time I want to play with my camera, the only somewhat willing subjects are my animals.

This has resulted in what is shaping up to be an unhealthy relationship between me, the cats, and my tiny dog (who somewhat resembles a cat). Every day as I say a little goodbye to hoarder-me, I say a little hello to cat-lady-me. Let’s face it. This is not helping me move toward my vision of a family someday. The cat-lady is far less attractive than even the person who hangs onto craft supplies for their future children (as mentioned below).

So what to do now? Only thing left is to sign up for photography lessons. And stop taking photos of my cats, of course.

Look at me… just weeks until Vision Day, and I’m shedding the crazy versions of myself before they are even born. On the road to greatness.

Clean up the mess. Make the space for greatness to move in.

So I decided the other day. In order to create the space that my ‘vision me’ is supposed to move into on February 1st, I am taking January to clean up the mess I have created (both figuratively and literally speaking). Originally I thought this would mean the basic own up to your lack of integrity stuff. I was prepared to admit to broken promises, get closure on past relationships, work through my to-do list. What I didn’t expect is to find a whole other side of myself that I never really wanted to see.

I really don't want to, but now I have to admit it. I’m a low-to-moderate hoarder. No, no…let’s face it. I’m a total hoarder. What’s worse is I’m one who masks their hoarder-dom by organizing the things I will never get rid of into decorative baskets (labelled by a label maker cause that makes it ‘okay’). In short, I’m an OCD perfectionist hoarder. The worst kind. It's the kind of hoarder whose house looks well kept until you open the junk drawer/closet/room/whathaveyou and everything falls out. The amazing part is that as I shed this trait (since 'vision me' does not do this, obviously) I am learning a lot about myself.

Here’s what I found:

-          Remnants and neatly organized binders dedicated to past almost-careers like teaching and interior design.

-          Random specialty tools once seen on Martha Stewart that are almost useful if one actually remembers that they own such things when the right time comes to use it

-          Things that you think never expire…actually do expire. Like pickles, and ketchup, and bbq sauce, and specialty sauces from that month I decided I loved all asian food.

-          Margarine however, does not have an expiration date. Many strange random numbers printed on the package? Yes. But expiration date? No. This led me to a whole other thought pattern of how I will never eat margarine again…

-          I am a collector of many fruity liqueurs. Not to drink, because that would be sane. We're talking gifts and souveniers from trips with ex-boyfriends or friends up to a decade ago. Just waiting, chilled mind you, until the right friend came over who just LOVED watermelon liqueur.

Now the best part. Here’s what I THOUGHT when I found these things:

-          "I should save these for when I have kids!"

      Trap: Almost kept it, because kids are in my vision. But am I pregnant? No. Am I married and talking about kids? No. Am I even engaged? No. So to keep on a roll toward such stuff and stop looking like a lunatic that no one wants to have kids with, I gave it to my friends who actually have kids.

-          "What a great tool! I will use this the next time I…"

      Trap: Almost kept it, because it actually would have been useful last week when I… BUT! The problem is, I didn’t remember I had it then, and I won’t ever again. Trash!

-          I am never buying condiments again. Takeout packets only for this girl moving forward. AND NO MARGARINE.

-          Kept the liqueurs, but out of the refrigerator. Still feel like wasting them is a shame. Probably more work there.

I have never had a cleaner apartment, and it already seems easier to start being a new version of myself. I’m SO ready to start living this new vision…

Goals all start with a Vision

More than ever, the beginning of the year represents re-evaluating your goals. Over the course of one night, New Year’s Eve can invoke all kinds of inspirations for people to change their lives. Normally, I am not one for resolutions because mostly they are about fixing the past and not looking to your future. But the start of 2011 did something different for me.

It started with a vision. You know the kind where you sit down, close your eyes and imagine what it would be like to be YOU, just 10 years older? I had that. I really created that, and felt what it would be like… and then as if in a rush, I completely lost it when I opened my eyes and came back to reality.

It got me thinking… why am I not creating this vision now? This vision of 38-year-old Jordana wouldn’t sit around wondering if she should do her dishes tonight or tomorrow morning: she would just do them. She is up to bigger things in life. She wouldn’t jump on new opportunities because the grass looks greener on the other side. She wouldn’t lead her life without commitment just in case something better came along. Through all of this, I got the feeling that potentially what is keeping me from accomplishing my goals is a lack of integrity for living a life that I love every day.

Now I know it seems nuts, talking about how the question “to do dishes, not to do dishes” is holding me back from greatness. But when it comes down to it, it does. Not so much the doing of dishes, as the thinking about doing dishes. Every moment I waste just thinking about being who I want to be, instead of JUST BEING IT, is a waste of time.

So here’s my thought; let’s make a pact. You and me. February 1^st is Vision Day. On Vision Eve (aka January 31^st), we all will get a chance to say goodbye to our mediocre selves, because on Vision Day, we all start acting in line with who we want to be instead of what is easy. New Year’s Eve can give the feeling of a fresh start, so let’s do the same with our Goals. Imagine a world where everyone had integrity with themselves, and lived the lives they always wanted. No more ‘grass is greener on the other side’. No more ‘easy way out’. Do the things you never thought possible, and do them now. And the best part is, you have the rest of January to clean up the mess of 2010 and make the space for 2011 to be that year!

Now that’s a world I want to live in. Won’t you join me?