Day Three

I have a problem with starting new projects. Like the stack of books on my side table, I never finish them. And my issue is in seeing that my blips in consistency are just blips- not the start of a new pattern that abandons the project I was just working on.

This weekend was a bit of a Toronto Stampede, if you will. 5 days, no sleep, beers and cheers nightly, and my nutrition and self-care tapered off big time toward the end. I closed this social binge off with an emotional breakdown, oversleeping my alarm, and missing a meeting. Not anything I am proud of.

My whole movement of training my brain and developing responsibility went out the window with each day that my social binge went on. What I notice is I was able to keep up balance for two days. But on day three, all self-respect went out the window. I stopped doing things for myself, said yes to everything, didn’t listen to my body, and developed an “I don’t care” or “not today” mentality.

Looking back, this ‘Day Three’ is almost inevitable in anything I do. Two days of exceptions notoriously lead to the next day abandoning any actions of self-worth I had before. This leads me to drop whatever ‘project’ I was working on before Day Three.

What’s even more interesting is now that I have distinguished this pattern, it doesn’t seem to control me anymore. I have more confidence to pick up the right tools all over again and starting fresh. Succumbing to feelings of failure and abandoning all determination are no longer what cripples me. The way I see it now, I had a couple of bad Day Threes, and that’s it.

I guess this is what it feels like to grow up.

Feel the music. Go with the flow.

So I sit here after a 5-day binge of everything I am passionate about. Rain falls down my bedroom window and my hair looks dishevelled. 5 days of music, people, passion. And I’m exhausted.

Last month was about building my sense of responsibility and self-respect. What I achieved was a new perspective of myself I never thought possible. 4 days of binging later and it would be easy to fall back into the same pattern of despising my habits all over again. But strangely this time it feels different.

It’s time to throw it all away. Like the childhood wardrobe that no longer fits, I must discard the habits I used to define myself for so long in favour of new ones I have picked up.

When I woke up this morning, the pants I bought last fall no longer fit the same. I am different; and it is so clear in how I feel and act. But there is one thing that I must drop still to find balance in these new shoes; Pride.

It does me no good to try and keep things in, play it cool. I notice that I keep things from people so that I can have my own timing- not be pressured. What is surprising is that I never actually do things on my own time, thus making the effort of hiding irrelevant.

What this pride hides is the last piece of my puzzle. It’s time to practice letting it go. 

Release.

With my week of truth-telling came an unsuspected day of letting go.

I never realized how much effort it took to hold onto the truth until today. Up until this week, I was hanging onto the truth like a child gripping onto a teddy bear being ripped out of its arms. Practice has led truth-telling to now feel more like the release of a butterfly.

What I never realized is that I was hanging onto possessions much the same way. Today my childhood home was sold. I put my car up for sale. And I’m planning a staycation which will be entirely devoted to packing up and selling the things inside my family home.

I feel a resurgence of the same energy I had when I moved out. Excitement. Fear. And a strong release of energy followed by creating space for new things to enter in.

Of course it’s scary. But as I discovered in writing my last post, your biggest fears when expressed out into the world have the capability of inspiring others around you. And there is nothing more I am committed to than that.  

So here's a little ted talk to inspire me along the way.

Fear.

A flurry of activity is how I would describe last week. Conversation after conversation, each one pulling me out of the muck in my head that has been limiting my actions and goals the last few months.

Despite my last blogpost, I still have much work to do in terms of reaching out of my comfort zone and committing to big scary goals in my life. I have not written this week for two reasons. One: I have been talking about these realizations to everyone I see. Two: They scare the crap out of me, and honestly I tend to limit the people I tell my challenges to. Telling the world (yes, that’s you- the world) means I really will have to do what I say I will. Otherwise I face a life of self-abuse and regret.

SO. Here it is. The real truth followed by new life commitments.

I never completed applying for the writing job I so dearly want (more than anything, really). This also means I lied to some of you about doing it. I am scared I will not get it, and this cripples me with fear.

So... I will apply by Friday (for real this time). And one up? I will look for other writing jobs to apply to as well. If I’m re-writing my resume, better put it out there.

I have been limiting being who I really am with people because I am afraid to be real with them. Being ‘real’ can look like telling men I am not interested, telling men I AM interested, or telling someone I care about when something they did bothered me. This conversation terrifies me into avoiding even initial authentic conversations.

So... from now on I will be only myself and tell the truth always. Be a truth machine. Keep practicing.

I never ask men out. Like, never. The risk of rejection keeps me from putting myself out there, and only taking what is given to me. This ties back to highschool when I started having crushes, and its roots go back even further to when I wouldn’t ask for the Barbies I wanted at the toystore for risk of Mom saying no.

So (this one is big)... Ask out men. Deadline Monday.

I want to make money, but I don’t know how. I used to think I wasn’t capable, and now I know it’s that I haven’t tried. What I do know is the thought of taking an MBA or a Coaching Program thrills me with excitement.

So... Apply for MBA and Coaching Programs by December, regardless of whether or not I go. Eep!

Here I go, world. My next blog post will be about fulfilling on one of these commitments. I am excited for the accomplishment and confidence I will create out of completing each one of these. That said, I am terrified to actually take the leap.

Fear is an instinct telling me I will die from risking things.  I’m smarter than that, so I cannot listen to it anymore.