Same < Different

Today the power went out and I was forced into the sunlight mid-morning. Pooch in-arm, tote on-shoulder, I explored my community on foot for 6 hours. What I noticed about my ‘hood was the lovely conversations you can have with strangers in your community when you slow down. And what I noticed about myself is my love of contrast.

Two blocks from my place is a whole new world. Cross Spadina, and you are taken from apartment buildings and the foot traffic around St. Clair West Station to multi-million dollar homes and empty streets. Its perfection feels so cold and isolated from humanity and freedom.

What I love about everything west of my block is the authenticity. The people I know from walking my dog in the park that will walk up to me in the grocery store to say hi (even if you don’t see them first or know each other’s names). The hawaiian shirt guy who sits on the park’s bench every day. The dude that perches on the stairs outside my window, Skype-ing with his girlfriend. The couple with Chinese Crustids and haircuts that match their dogs. These are people in my life.

Those giant homes manicured like mini-hotels feel so distant from me. And though I don’t have anything in common with them or even desire to live there, I am glad they exist. It’s the blend of such contrasting things together in one general neighbourhood that makes me smile. A block in any direction and you get something different. I love that.

I sit now with an exhausted dog to my left after a productive day, and I feel he loves the bustle of going west as much as I do. I could be imagining it, but with masses of children petting him and treat-giving shop owners at every step, how could he not? 

Live for me? Or live for you?

None of us really look all that good most of the time. 

But how can you live your life not worrying what others think? Acting for what you know is right to you, and speaking with intention and love in a way that people want to hear the truth.

Every second we hang onto a conversation, every moment that we hold back- makes us less who we really are.

I hesitate so much in my life. Considering all options, deciding what is the best move. This sucks most of the time, by the way. Because there is no calculation for the best possible life. Truly living is to do so freely. To be one’s own self regardless of what happens around you. And for that self to be whole-heartedly at service for the world and the people in it.

I feel like I am hitting another teenage phase in my life. Where I have such amazing relationships and people who have floated into my life- and I am terrified to lose them. I hesitate on some conversations because I am afraid of how they will react. And it creates a void.

The next foot I put forward will be based on trust. Living life is a bit like walking with your eyes closed. You never know what you’re stepping into when you start a conversation; all there is to do is trust yourself and others in your life that the honest conversation will lead to the best result (even if it doesn’t feel it at the time). 

change.

Something shifted in me today that I didn’t expect.

I have never felt such emotion on the streets of my city. Rising out of St. Andrew Station, I walk into a sea of silent people lining the streets, orange everywhere- in flowers, in turbans, on signs screaming Love! Optimism! Hope!

Few times in life are we faced with happy accidents. Things unexpected that somehow change you. Bumping into Jack Layton’s funeral on the street was one of these moments. A dear friend to my right, my dog laying between my legs, and love surrounding us. So many tears were shared with strangers. The silence, applause, and emotion in the air was unlike anything I had ever felt before. And watching the dedication to the life of a man who changed this world somehow changed me as well.

We walked away from that funeral with cheeks dry and slick from tears, and with a whole new perspective on our minds. Quietly chatting as we strolled, we discussed how everything we think matters in the day to day actually doesn’t. We went over our lives and how we want to make a difference in this world. But mostly how lucky we were that we decided to meet on that street corner- right in front of the funeral, forgetting that it was happening that day.

Jack was right. We have a duty to bring more love, optimism and hope into this world before we leave it. That should be our gift to the future generations. One life has the capacity to change many.

I am ending a long day pondering. How can I really commit myself to making the world better this year? It’s not about my goals or achievements, it’s about everyone else's. Live for them and you will create a world that you want to live in. On anything, I have never been more clear. 

Grow up, would ya?

In January I set out to live out my goals. Really take the bull by the horns and start doing the things I always said I would do ‘one day’. What resulted was a sense of self-satisfaction I had never felt before that came from finally living the life I always wanted.

Through this change, I somehow I didn’t expect that all of the things I was used to in my old life would be so different. So much was better than I imagined (a new-found connection to my community, pride in my own living space, and walking everywhere), but I never considered that living alone, away from my family would feel so lonely. 

So a few months ago I indulged in things I loved in order to drown out any feelings of loss I felt; Shopping. Eating out. Three trips in one month. It was a lot of fun... and completely reckless.  

Then one day, I walk into a convenience store to buy some overpriced chips and dip- something I know I can’t afford, but ‘just this once’ I will make the exception (even though ‘just this once’ happened quite often). When my bank account came up dry, I realized I was face to face with my biggest lesson to date. And I could no longer choose whether I wanted to change based on how I felt.

Before this aha! moment, I had thought about starting a project to force myself to grow up. Not in the ‘suck it up; just do it’ kind of way- but in a way where I would learn about how my mind works while I was re-training it to be different. More responsible. Now did I want to actually do this at the time? Absolutely not. But was I now being forced into doing it? One hundred percent. That is the poetry of mistakes that life is.

Just like when I took on my goals project, I had some cleaning up to do before I could start this new project of re-wiring my irresponsible brain. You know, the usual things- start drinking less, tracking expenses, filing paperwork, using my investments to pay overdue bills, cancelling unnecessary subscriptions. And I’m now in a place where I feel like I can start the research to structure this project I’m about to put underway.

So with a new book open to page one, I’m forming the next stage of my life. And it feels more comfortable than I thought it would.

Stand Still. You'll be surprised what you see.

The thing about starting a new budget tracking system is that it puts things into perspective. What did I learn? I spend the same amount of money on alcohol and coffee as I do on groceries for the week. And that it’s easier for me to justify $16 on a bottle of wine than the paperwork filing system I desperately need.

At this point, I’m unsure of what to do with this information. On one hand, I love my life and feel balanced. On the other, I’m kind of surprised that two addictive substances eat up so much of my bank account. What I do know is that I am tempted to come up with some blanket goal that will change things (like quitting alcohol and coffee).

This week I have received a lot of coaching on my shit. You know what I mean; the parts of life that you don’t necessarily like. My peers, my friends, my ex, my manager, and even the new seminar I’m taking have all told me to ‘be with it’.

Normally when I’m uncomfortable, I default to strategy & action. I come up with a plan for how I can stop how I feel instead of going with it.

This is a new muscle to grow- just be with it. Don’t do anything... It doesn’t sound like it will ‘fix’ things, but that is kind of the point. We don’t need to fix life, we need to live it. And I admire these people too much not to listen to them. Here goes nothing...