the last chapter

Sitting and facing a rainy Toronto day, surrounded by coffee-lovers and teenagers on lunch break, I sit and think about my future.

This is a day where I get to shed my past, and sit in what my future could look like. I am re-writing my goals today.

If I think about being present, that is to say in the here and NOW, I am connected with how I feel about the world. I have worked recently on being self-expressed as a person; speaking up instead of holding in, which has led to speaking a lot about my feelings. Even more recently, I am learning that although it’s necessary to express how you feel, it’s even more important to express what you WANT.

It’s a bit of a trap, though isn’t it? This want. What comes to mind is that kid in the toystore. You know the one. Where the mom is mortified and furious at the screams and flailing limbs of her kid? Yeah, that one.

“But I WAAAANT IT!”

Perhaps it’s this impression that has kept me from asking for what I want all of these years. So desperate to impress my parents at a young age, I did the opposite of the tantrum kid. It’s like even then I wanted to abolish any ‘selfish only child’ tendencies. I would actually stand in front of the doll I wanted, not saying anything. Look at the doll, look at my mom, back at the doll, and so forth until she got the message. Like a wordless puppy at a pet store.

And now I’m plagued by holding back in relationships. Desperate to avoid disappointment, I hold back from saying how I feel in order to avoid getting hurt.

So here I am, blank page up, ready to write the most specific and lofty vision of my life. And it seems fitting that I feel the need to complete this chapter in order to move on. I am happy to say that this will be my last post in “it all starts with a vision”.

This blog has been the source of so much therapy for me. So much expression of what I went through this year. Movement, change, growing up. I am certainly not the same person I was when I sat down to write in January 2011. But like me, my goals have changed. I have a new intention to live into. And with that comes my new writing project, ‘modern phrenology’.

You may still follow me, friends. But do so into a new world; where I learn that a bigger life leads to bigger problems to work through.

We are all just practicing at life. I am just ready for a bigger court. 

Day Three

I have a problem with starting new projects. Like the stack of books on my side table, I never finish them. And my issue is in seeing that my blips in consistency are just blips- not the start of a new pattern that abandons the project I was just working on.

This weekend was a bit of a Toronto Stampede, if you will. 5 days, no sleep, beers and cheers nightly, and my nutrition and self-care tapered off big time toward the end. I closed this social binge off with an emotional breakdown, oversleeping my alarm, and missing a meeting. Not anything I am proud of.

My whole movement of training my brain and developing responsibility went out the window with each day that my social binge went on. What I notice is I was able to keep up balance for two days. But on day three, all self-respect went out the window. I stopped doing things for myself, said yes to everything, didn’t listen to my body, and developed an “I don’t care” or “not today” mentality.

Looking back, this ‘Day Three’ is almost inevitable in anything I do. Two days of exceptions notoriously lead to the next day abandoning any actions of self-worth I had before. This leads me to drop whatever ‘project’ I was working on before Day Three.

What’s even more interesting is now that I have distinguished this pattern, it doesn’t seem to control me anymore. I have more confidence to pick up the right tools all over again and starting fresh. Succumbing to feelings of failure and abandoning all determination are no longer what cripples me. The way I see it now, I had a couple of bad Day Threes, and that’s it.

I guess this is what it feels like to grow up.

Feel the music. Go with the flow.

So I sit here after a 5-day binge of everything I am passionate about. Rain falls down my bedroom window and my hair looks dishevelled. 5 days of music, people, passion. And I’m exhausted.

Last month was about building my sense of responsibility and self-respect. What I achieved was a new perspective of myself I never thought possible. 4 days of binging later and it would be easy to fall back into the same pattern of despising my habits all over again. But strangely this time it feels different.

It’s time to throw it all away. Like the childhood wardrobe that no longer fits, I must discard the habits I used to define myself for so long in favour of new ones I have picked up.

When I woke up this morning, the pants I bought last fall no longer fit the same. I am different; and it is so clear in how I feel and act. But there is one thing that I must drop still to find balance in these new shoes; Pride.

It does me no good to try and keep things in, play it cool. I notice that I keep things from people so that I can have my own timing- not be pressured. What is surprising is that I never actually do things on my own time, thus making the effort of hiding irrelevant.

What this pride hides is the last piece of my puzzle. It’s time to practice letting it go. 

Release.

With my week of truth-telling came an unsuspected day of letting go.

I never realized how much effort it took to hold onto the truth until today. Up until this week, I was hanging onto the truth like a child gripping onto a teddy bear being ripped out of its arms. Practice has led truth-telling to now feel more like the release of a butterfly.

What I never realized is that I was hanging onto possessions much the same way. Today my childhood home was sold. I put my car up for sale. And I’m planning a staycation which will be entirely devoted to packing up and selling the things inside my family home.

I feel a resurgence of the same energy I had when I moved out. Excitement. Fear. And a strong release of energy followed by creating space for new things to enter in.

Of course it’s scary. But as I discovered in writing my last post, your biggest fears when expressed out into the world have the capability of inspiring others around you. And there is nothing more I am committed to than that.  

So here's a little ted talk to inspire me along the way.

Fear.

A flurry of activity is how I would describe last week. Conversation after conversation, each one pulling me out of the muck in my head that has been limiting my actions and goals the last few months.

Despite my last blogpost, I still have much work to do in terms of reaching out of my comfort zone and committing to big scary goals in my life. I have not written this week for two reasons. One: I have been talking about these realizations to everyone I see. Two: They scare the crap out of me, and honestly I tend to limit the people I tell my challenges to. Telling the world (yes, that’s you- the world) means I really will have to do what I say I will. Otherwise I face a life of self-abuse and regret.

SO. Here it is. The real truth followed by new life commitments.

I never completed applying for the writing job I so dearly want (more than anything, really). This also means I lied to some of you about doing it. I am scared I will not get it, and this cripples me with fear.

So... I will apply by Friday (for real this time). And one up? I will look for other writing jobs to apply to as well. If I’m re-writing my resume, better put it out there.

I have been limiting being who I really am with people because I am afraid to be real with them. Being ‘real’ can look like telling men I am not interested, telling men I AM interested, or telling someone I care about when something they did bothered me. This conversation terrifies me into avoiding even initial authentic conversations.

So... from now on I will be only myself and tell the truth always. Be a truth machine. Keep practicing.

I never ask men out. Like, never. The risk of rejection keeps me from putting myself out there, and only taking what is given to me. This ties back to highschool when I started having crushes, and its roots go back even further to when I wouldn’t ask for the Barbies I wanted at the toystore for risk of Mom saying no.

So (this one is big)... Ask out men. Deadline Monday.

I want to make money, but I don’t know how. I used to think I wasn’t capable, and now I know it’s that I haven’t tried. What I do know is the thought of taking an MBA or a Coaching Program thrills me with excitement.

So... Apply for MBA and Coaching Programs by December, regardless of whether or not I go. Eep!

Here I go, world. My next blog post will be about fulfilling on one of these commitments. I am excited for the accomplishment and confidence I will create out of completing each one of these. That said, I am terrified to actually take the leap.

Fear is an instinct telling me I will die from risking things.  I’m smarter than that, so I cannot listen to it anymore. 

To do, or to think?

Isn’t it funny how your intention isn’t enough sometimes? In July I came up with a writing project that I was inspired and driven by. So what I did was what I usually do. Get excited, buy a bunch of books and supplies, but forget the original intention of why I’m doing it. The whole point of this project was to write my way through it. And I haven’t put pen to paper or finger to keyboard since it started.

That said, I have never had such momentum or focus in my life. The original intent of this project was to re-train myself to be more responsible, and it is working. This morning I woke up excited to compare my spending in August vs. September, and see if my actions are paying off. These are the sort of responsibilities I often thought I would have ‘someday’ but never wanted to put the effort into doing now. But despite the fact I haven’t been documenting with word what I’m doing each day, it is paying off. I have spent $1600 less this month than I did last, and $100 of that was a decrease in alcohol and coffee alone. But what I didn’t expect was that my eagerness to finish things (instead of just start them and move on) would be stronger than ever.

What this all comes down to is a struggle of theory vs. action. And it shows up everywhere in my life. When I’m doing things I often forget to stop, reflect, and continue. Yet, talking too much about what to do often keeps me from ever doing it. Right now I’m faced with a writing project designed to record my actions that has resulted in all action, no writing. So what I’m re-committing to is building writing into my to-do list. A balance of theory and action is officially the next chapter of my project.

Sometimes taking a pause can leap you forward in the long run. And/or inspire others with what you share. So stay tuned, friends (for real this time)!

Same < Different

Today the power went out and I was forced into the sunlight mid-morning. Pooch in-arm, tote on-shoulder, I explored my community on foot for 6 hours. What I noticed about my ‘hood was the lovely conversations you can have with strangers in your community when you slow down. And what I noticed about myself is my love of contrast.

Two blocks from my place is a whole new world. Cross Spadina, and you are taken from apartment buildings and the foot traffic around St. Clair West Station to multi-million dollar homes and empty streets. Its perfection feels so cold and isolated from humanity and freedom.

What I love about everything west of my block is the authenticity. The people I know from walking my dog in the park that will walk up to me in the grocery store to say hi (even if you don’t see them first or know each other’s names). The hawaiian shirt guy who sits on the park’s bench every day. The dude that perches on the stairs outside my window, Skype-ing with his girlfriend. The couple with Chinese Crustids and haircuts that match their dogs. These are people in my life.

Those giant homes manicured like mini-hotels feel so distant from me. And though I don’t have anything in common with them or even desire to live there, I am glad they exist. It’s the blend of such contrasting things together in one general neighbourhood that makes me smile. A block in any direction and you get something different. I love that.

I sit now with an exhausted dog to my left after a productive day, and I feel he loves the bustle of going west as much as I do. I could be imagining it, but with masses of children petting him and treat-giving shop owners at every step, how could he not?