Feeling it, living it.

Days like today make everything worthwhile. The sun comes out and we all experience different Toronto. People smile, parks get crowded, there is a lightness to the air that didn't exist before. 

Friends have told me about the moment when you realize you live alone. They told stories about being sick and unable to make soup, or when they couldn't hang a picture on their own. Mine came today.

As if the world was teasing me with another one of its fabulous clichés, a small black bug showed up under my sofa cushion. This discovery resulted in a series of events I am not proud of; namely a compulsive google image search of "small black bug in house" all the while crossing my fingers it wasn't a bed bug, and breaking out in itchy hives through the process which only went away after a scalding shower. 

But the best part of living in Toronto is that sunny days can cure any case of the blues (or alleged 'spider beetles'). So here I am, sitting in my favourite spot of my favourite park, watching the sun go down; mason jar of wine in hand, dog by my side, breathing in freshly cut grass and watching the city's landmark while listening to music. Letting the sounds fill me with indulgence the way they do sometimes. Like the warmth of your first cocktail of the night, an indulgent dish of your favourite food, or making love. Feeling the moment completely through my body and being present in a way that takes full concentration. Living life with my whole body. Not just my mind.

My mind really does control my body.

So here I am. Sitting on my couch, phone in hand, ready to make the phone call that I have been putting off for ages. My mind is going over all of the ways that I am affected by procrastinating this. For the last 5 years, all of the people that have challenged me have been faced with my response to him, as opposed to who was actually in front of me. Seeing all this, I have never been more clear that I need to make this call.

What is happening in my body is something quite different though. I am quivering as though I am about to lose my life. As if through the phone his words could kill me (completely rational, right?). And while I know that won’t happen, it’s how I respond. My stomach is in knots, my hands are cold and sweaty, and my voice is shaking. I have never felt my body be so unsure.

It's the same feeling when faced with any fear. Like the first time I climbed a mountain, or when I got back onto the horse that had just bucked me off. In the end it will all be worth it, and I will see in hindsight just how irrational these fears are that my body has.

So how do I curb the fear long enough to actually make the call? I take a swig of my single malt to calm my nerves, sit back in my chair, and dial those 10 numbers that I did so many times in the past. Why? To show myself that I can be free of these words in my head, that I will not die from a phone call, and maybe (just maybe) I can get complete on this one last unfinished relationship in my life.  

And I dial... 4-1-6...