Sitting and facing a rainy Toronto day, surrounded by
coffee-lovers and teenagers on lunch break, I sit and think about my future.
This is a day where I get to shed my past, and sit in what
my future could look like. I am re-writing my goals today.
If I think about being present,
that is to say in the here and NOW, I am connected with how I feel about the world. I have worked
recently on being self-expressed as a person; speaking up instead of holding
in, which has led to speaking a lot about my feelings. Even more recently, I am
learning that although it’s necessary to express how you feel, it’s even more
important to express what you WANT.
It’s a bit of a trap, though isn’t it? This want. What comes to mind is that kid in
the toystore. You know the one. Where the mom is mortified and furious at the screams
and flailing limbs of her kid? Yeah, that one.
“But I WAAAANT IT!”
Perhaps it’s this impression that has kept me from asking
for what I want all of these years. So desperate to impress my parents at a
young age, I did the opposite of the tantrum kid. It’s like even then I wanted
to abolish any ‘selfish only child’ tendencies. I would actually stand in front
of the doll I wanted, not saying anything. Look at the doll, look at my mom,
back at the doll, and so forth until she got the message. Like a wordless puppy
at a pet store.
And now I’m plagued by holding back in relationships.
Desperate to avoid disappointment, I hold back from saying how I feel in order
to avoid getting hurt.
So here I am, blank page up, ready to write the most
specific and lofty vision of my life. And it seems fitting that I feel the need
to complete this chapter in order to move on. I am happy to say that this will
be my last post in “it all starts with a vision”.
This blog has been the source of so much therapy for me. So
much expression of what I went through this year. Movement, change, growing up.
I am certainly not the same person I was when I sat down to write in January
2011. But like me, my goals have changed. I have a new intention to live into.
And with that comes my new writing project, ‘modern phrenology’.
You may still follow me, friends. But do so into a new
world; where I learn that a bigger life leads to bigger problems to work
through.
We are all just practicing at life. I am just ready for a
bigger court.
